CUTTING STRESS OUT OF YOUR LIFE

Cutting Stress Out of Your Life

It does not matter how you cut the stress cake at the end of the day stress is all about deep seated beliefs and values. From then on escaping overwhelming stress starts to become more difficult the deeper you delve into why you got into the stress situation. Having experienced severe burnout myself this is may latest article. 10 years of observation and analysing what happened and why, how I moved out of burnout also how I deal with further stress in my life continues to reveal possibilities for new solutions.

 

Working as a mind-power performance coach with one hard working and dedicated husband, the current stress eventually boiled down to his wife and the environment or location of the home, sweet home.

 

No, this is not a wife bashing article. Rather an illustration of how one partners expectations and needs conflicting with the others, equals massive stress for both. In this case the wife had prominence because the husband had changed country and found developing his own business and interests in a foreign country extremely difficult. This is not to suggest that it is all the wife’s fault as the husband willingly chose to move. The problem started to evolve mainly in an attempt to conform and please his wife.

 

The story unfolds to indicate how authentic behaviours, space and environment to express one’s creative inclinations are closely tied to self expression, creative fulfilment and emotional stability. Reduced motional stability is well known to be directly linked to rising stress, and depleting health. In this case the husband, normally fit and free of aches and pains began to develop all sorts of pains in just about every joint in his body as the stress mounted to massive levels.

 

I did say this was not a wife bashing article. The wife is part of the stress cycle so she cannot be excluded. The client realised the problem and the source of his stress and made moves to change his behaviour and values. The trouble was that his plan to develop his business directly conflicted with his wife’s plans and expectations for her own satisfaction. Even though the husband and wife discussed his situation and plans and the wife supported the husband she promptly made all sorts of claims on his time that completely blocked his project. The couple are now heading towards some sort of separate lives as the husband feels this is the only way he can achieve his own needs, expectations, authentic creative self and emotional stability therefore, also reduce the stress. Although loving his wife he is able to make the divide between a personal relationship and individual professional objectives. He strongly feels that now he has to make some sort of physical break to escape his wife’s damaging influence on his life.

 

Certainly the pending separate lives, is in itself stressful for both parties. Hopefully the wife will realise she stands to loose most of all and thus moderate her attitude. The husband realises that the partial separate lives will not only be stressful certainly to start with, it could possibly lead to a complete separation and divorce. From his position as much as the new situation will be stressful his overall gain will dramatically reduce his stress level. As much as he sees the partial separation with all its ramifications as being stressful in itself, he also sees that the belief that they are bound together indefinitely by a piece of paper and a promise as limiting and adding to his stress. Therefore, separation could actually be the best solution for them both. Why? Because the consequences of the action of their marriage did not produce the expected results. Though sad to say, this union is more destructive than creative even though the two have a deep love for each other. The problem for him is meeting all his wife’s expectations while desperately making every effort to create an income. Providing and income is also part of his wife’s expectations thus he feels himself between a rock and a hard place.

 

Returning to where this article started, it is clear that the belief that these two people can have a fruitful and fulfilling life together just because they have a love for each other and have many common values is not the right basis for a marriage. As the wife is adamant that she cannot change her life because of her business, this unbending stance does in itself raise more complex issues. Although the wife makes a great noise about the importance of the couple it is clear she has chosen her life style and business in preference to her marriage, while demanding her husband makes all necessary sacrifices to meet her expectations. The only conclusion is that the marriage and the couple fit her beliefs and values provided it is all in accordance with her wishes. That’s the rub and as we all know when things rub there is stress, tension and eventually something breaks.

 

It’s not all bad news, there is a significant possibility that partial separate lives could suit this couple very well once they acknowledge the fact and develop new albeit a different relationship. This highlights again the fundamental issue that to move out of a stressful situation somewhere or other prevailing beliefs and values have to change.

 

Above I have mentioned four important factors in the stress cycle.  Unmet expectations, inability to engage in self expression of creative fulfilment and emotional stability, another is authentic behaviour.

 

Perhaps everyone understands the frustration and growing conscious and unconscious stress of unmet expectations or failed dreams. What few people do is to honour the unmet expectations by observing what happened and analysing why they remain unmet. Also looking again to see what is really important and what could make the difference so those unmet dreams can finally come to life and reality.

 

In our coaching sessions the husband was able to work through this process and recognised how he had allowed himself to become victim to his wife’s unrealistic expectations. Therefore, he chose to make the move that puts the power for his actions back in his own hands. The gamble is that his wife will choose to change her stance and behaviour. If not, he sees that whichever way the dice roll he comes out the winner. He has now prepared himself for a complete rupture even though he still has a love for his wife. He recognises that evolving personally and being authentic to his own creativity is preferable to the life he has been living.

 

The inability to engage in self expression of creative fulfilment is a little bit of a mouthful yet mostly well understood. Perhaps the worst problem with this condition is that in many cases the person gradually becomes a victim to not being able to engage themselves in whatever it is they really want to do. Daily grinding away doing a job you hate is an effective way of limiting your own creative potential and thus, building your own stress. The longer the inactivity or wrong activity prevails the more it becomes normal and is tolerated. The damaging aspect is that the conscious mind does not see or is not aware of some important drivers of stress and overwhelming stress.

 

Authentic behaviours cover many aspects of our personal lives, so I will only touch on one or two of them. These are the authentic behaviours, which give a sense of achievement and a feeling of being in the right place and doing the right job or occupation. This awareness gives a feeling of immense internal satisfaction, peace or tranquillity. Many other internal feelings also say yes, I am truly expressing myself, I and my life have value. This is not a haphazard process rather something or things that may have required years of training, improvement and change to achieve that really fulfilling level of engagement. Authentic behaviours are the all important essence of capability that is writ deep in genetic coding and programming. An example is akin to a primitive African coastal fishing boat being used to ferry large numbers of people searching for a better life, across rough seas and long journeys, which the boat is not designed for. All to often such boats break up and sink. That is why, when the expression of internal stress is stifled, the stress begins to accelerate rapidly. After all what is more stressful than not being able to be your true self or manifest your capabilities or dreams?

 

This is exactly the situation of the above client and case history. He has found himself virtually entrapped, imprisoned in an environment, which is comfortable and loving yet he finds himself virtually fenced off from his own needs to fulfil his creative inspiration. Being caught in a tender trap pretty well sums it up yet beneath the tenderness there is a truly deadly trap. I am well aware of the meaning and use of the word deadly. For those who would doubt this, please look up the dangers of the stress hormone cortisol, sudden death syndrome, depression driven suicide and other side effects or spin-offs of overwhelming stress. This however is not only deadly in that sense but also deadly to self expression creative thinking, building dreams, having a reason to live. The result is usually boredom, lack of interest in anything or mind numbness, otherwise, aggression, hate, violence or any other rebellious behaviours.

 

Robert P. Denton   Mind-power and Performance coach